03.01.05
(written 03.02.05--12:38 a.m.)

got an email from gina
we hadn't talked in months
i'd been wanting to let her know why i was upset
but didn't want to deal with it,
deal with the telling
so i didn't write her
and i didn't call her
and today in my email box
i got an email from gina
and i wrote her back

03.02.05--11:50 p.m.

the glucometer read 113 this morning,
three points above the preferred range of 72-110.
my boss returned from his sabbatical with a giant kosher toblerone bar
that he bought me and a coworker at the airport in Israel.

03.03.05
(written 03.04.05--9:10 a.m.)

i got fired from my job,
they didn't call it that.

03.04.05
(written 03.05.05--5:34 a.m.)

bus to albany six hours from now
subtract shower
subtract clothes packing
subtract publications packing
subtract breakfast
subtract getting to port authority
subtract getting a ticket
it doesn't look like i'm getting a rem cycle tonight.

03.05.05
(written 03.06.05--12:44 p.m.)

on the way to honor my friend
at the Tom Nattell Memorial Circus,
25 minutes before my bus to Albany
i tell the greyhound clerk
"Albany."
"$67, please."
I hand her my debit/credit card
and she says its been rejected.
I go to my wallet.
$20, $40, $50, $55, $60,
$61, $62, $63, $64, $65, $66,
and hand her the $66 in bills,
pull out my change purse,
and find four quarters,
$67.
Thank you Tom Nattell.

03.06.05
(written 03.08.05--11:59 p.m.)

i left new york city without the name of the church where the memorial circus was being held
on the bus i called my friend who was organizing
and whose home i was staying at
but his machine picked up
i didn't want to have my roommate go through my email to find the info out
so when i arrived at the albany bus depot
i grabbed the yellow pages laying atop the phones
went through every church listed
copied down two names that seemed possibilities
took $40 out of the ATM
and got in a cab.
i'm not sure where i'm going, i said,
but i need to find the church where my friend's memorial service is being held,
and get a copy of the newspaper Metroland.
Metroland? he said, Times Union is over there, he gestured toward the paper vending machines.
No, I said, and directed him to where Metroland's offices are,
and he points out a bodega next door,
and there on the floor is Albany's alternative newspaper,
but with no listing of the service for their deceased columnist.

we go to one church,
and then the other,
and luck,
and i have him return me to the newspaper's avenue,
pay him $10 and a $2 tip for the merry go round ride,
and i walk up the block to the social justice center,
as tom used to help raise money for them.
they were closed,
and no lights were on,
but through the window i could see a bulletin board to the right,
with the flyer for my friend tom's memorial circus pinned up,
and there was the name of the church and its address.
but i still didn't know where it was, and it was starting in 55 minutes.
i headed into the pizzeria that wasn't really a pizzeria,
as it spelled it wrong and sold a million non-italian foods.
i ordered a plain slice--$1.25!!
and asked the owner where the church was.
i gave him the exact address,
and he asked for the number again,
85 chestnut street,
and he gave me exact directions there.
that sounds like its walkable,
yes, a few minutes.
i sat with my slice and a coupla cups of tap water
while a middle-aged woman talked to me about her family,
before i bundled up to the church.

03.07.05
(written 03.09.05--12:17 a.m.)

i walked to the bank
then down to union square to one doctor
then down to 15th bet. 1st and 2nd for another,
where i got a $4 metrocard free,
a little perk you get when you're on medicaid,
so your doctor and transportation are free.
then i walked home,
spending no money on transportation either way,
and gaining that $ metrocard.
i need a job where they don't cut my hours in half
so i don't have to make these choices.

03.08.05
(written 03.09.05--12:22 a.m.)

i don't worry about work anymore,
at all,
all my dedication gone with my hours they cut in half last week.
my intimates are calling in favors for me,
helping me find a job,
i like my friends.

03.09.05
(written 03.10.05--12:22 a.m.)

i walked from my apartment,
28th and 8th,
to st. mark's church,
10th and 2nd,
45 minutes each way in 25-degree weather,
with a nice wind,
all to save a subway fare each way,
$4 total.
i'm liking my job even more since my hours were cut in half.

03.10.05
(written 03.12.05--9:10 p.m.)

came into therapy today
and told my therapist
that i'd only be able to see her every other week
a cost-cutting maneuver
as now that my pay has been halved
i'm trying to do the same to my expenditures.
she said she didn't want it to be a permanent thing,
i said the same.

03.11.05
(written 03.12.05--9:12 p.m.)

since the pay cut
i have to decide what i buy at the supermarket
do i have 3/4 of a 1/2 gallon of milk?
then wait until it's almost empty before buying a new one.
1/2 a plastic bag of puffed wheat in the apartment?
wait a little longer.
still want soda?
go to the gristede's and buy diet rite,
oin sale for 99¢ a 2-liter bottle,
not the $1.50 for the pepsi products i prefer.
i may even return the bottles i've been saving to put with my recyclables,
may.

03.12.05--9:25 p.m.

last boog city was distributed on the 8th of the month,
so to make that not happen again
i've begun work on it two weeks earlier than last month,
that should suffice.

03.13.05
(written 03.15.05--1:38 p.m.)

for erica

i normally send my laundry out the night before pay day,
so the check i give the laundromat will be good by the next day.
this time i've extended laundry day by a week,
as i normally spend $15-$20 per week on sending my clothes out
the bonus week has saved me about $20.
it's a nice chunk of change when they've cut your hours in half at work
and you don't care about your job anymore,
at all,
and you're hardly looking for a new one.
well ain't that america,
something to see baby,
ain't that america,
home of the free baby,
ain't it?

03.14.05
(written 03.15.05--1:50 p.m.)

i ordered in mexican,
it's always been the cheapest of the food i have delivered in.
i checked my back balance online,
subtracted the check to pay my carrying charges to my coop
and the other one for two weeks worth of sessions to my therapist
(i cut those back to every other week now that i'm broke and all)
and saw that i had $87.36 in my bank account and $25 in my wallet to last until next thursday,
10 days (this doesn't count the silver-filled change purse i only empty upon payday aways emergencies)
and since i don't do much i could spend some dollars on guacamole nachos without the jalapenos (not a real spicy food fan), a bean and cheese quesadilla, chips and salsa, and a free can of diet sprite.
It came to $8.96,
i gave a $2 tip.

03.15.05
(written 03.16.05--1:26 a.m.)

one more day of work
and then a four-day weekend
which means two no pay days
in these1/3 hours cutback times
but i will be able to watch mike and the mad dog talk sports in the afternoon,
as their wfan radio show i've been raised on is simulcast on the yes network.

03.16.05
(written 03.19.05--6:32 p.m.)

they've cut my hours at work
40 max for the two week pay period ending in two days
and ryan at work said i should work more days, fewer hours
so maybe they'll keep me on when my time is supposed to end.
i decide to work as many per days as quickly as possible,
to end the week with days i'm not there,
so maybe they'll miss me,
and if not i'll have another four-day weekend.

03.17.05
(written 03.19.05--6:38 p.m.)

i was a little worried that shafer hall
who i had asked to book a bunch of poets to read irish work tonight
at this st. patrick's day event i had
would end up at the place past drunk
it the last stop on a pub crawl through williamsburg,
and though he arrived happy,
he also arrived with a sea of half-buzzed poetry hotties,
most of whom i'd never meant,
all of whom were in a huggy-kissy mood.
here's to shafer hall!

03.18.05
(written 03.19.05--6:42 p.m.)

one of my bosses called me at home today
mentioned that the computer program that had been being redesigned
for two months
was no ready
after starts and stops and more
and when was i coming in.
monday, i said.
he asked if i could give him a full day then,
and should it take a day.
i said i could give him a full day,
be in at 10,
though i'm not allowed to work more than 15 hours per week as of then,
but as it's a new program and we haven't entered data for weeks
i didn't know how long it will take.

03.19.05
(written 03.21.05--3:10 a.m.)

i don't feel like cooking
and i have little money to last until payday,
five days away,
but fuck it
i'm too lazy to go out
and i want a two-liter bottle of soda
so i order italian,
a tray of cheese ravioli and an order of garlic bread,
light on the oil light on the garlic,
and get two two-liter bottles of diet pepsi
one for dinner and one for later.

03.20.05
(written 03.21.05--2:58 a.m.)

tonight was josie bissett night in my apartment
the former melrose place jane
with her real-life hubby rob estes
in the abc family channel original film
"i do, they don't,"
one of the light romantic comedies that dominate my weekends
and inspire calls to my mother to watch.

followed by a 2 a.m. vieiwing of my favorite quantum leap episode,
"rebel without a clue,"
which features a biker gang sam leaps into in fall of 1958 in northern california,
and two appearances by jack kerouac,
being as jack kerouac as any of his albums i have,
and starring a then unknown miss josie bissett as the biker gang's gal in peril.

03.21.05
(written 03.30.05--12:15 a.m.)

yesterday my sister called,
she was going to steven sondheim's 75th birthday party and,
if she needed to,
could she crash at my place.
i told her no problem,
and later that night she called that she'd be staying.
it was too late for me to want to clean off the futon so i'd have a place to stay,
so i did the next day,
and she picked me up from work,
and we parked her car in a garage,
i picked up some prescriptions,
and then we headed toward gristede's for me to get some food.
"do you have anything i can munch on later?"
"no, i have almost no food, unless you want me to open up a can of tuna fish."
so we picked up some stuff
and she kicked in a $20, thankfully,
and we headed to my apartment,
which she dug,
but wasn't clean enough for her,
and she began to go through it and clean different parts,
throwing out the excess supermarket shopping bags i'd saved,
asking what could be thrown out ,
eventually leaving for her party and dinner,
before returning around 1130,
wanting to order food like she did when she lived in the upper west side
back when nobody wanted to.

03.22.05
(written 03.30.05--12:23 a.m.)

i got a call from my mother tonight
a 10-minute harangue about how dirty my apartment is,
and i said i got to go,
and called my sister
and told her thanks for calling my folks after staying over last night,
thanks.

03.23.05
(written 03.30.05--12:25 a.m.)

my roommate lost his job the end of february
and he's been looking hardcore for the past month straight
and no luck as yet.
10 days ago i asked what his plans were
and he said he had money for april rent
and that was it right now,
but he'd see what happened.
and tonight he told me to look for a new roommate,
that he couldn't find another job.
hello craig's list.

03.24.05
(written 03.30.05--12:29 a.m.)

nothing to say in therapy,
so instead i read most of the 15 days worth of march poems i'd brought with me.
bought some tangerine diet riet cola at gristede's on the way home.

03.25.05
(written 03.30.05--12:33 a.m.)

mom in city for mammogram
folks pick me up to drive home
an odyssey
that leaves me bonneville back seat nauseous
trip extended
as we pick up dad's jeep from dealer
before they drop me at house for tum's
and change into t-shirt and shorts.

03.26.05
(written 03.30.05--12:36 a.m.)

i've liked sandra bullock in everything i've seen her
even today's miss congeniality 2,
the film not as good as some of her others,
me wondering the furor that would've taken place
if during a crucial rescue scene they'd have just let her die.

03.27.05
(written 03.30.05--12:39 a.m.)

my eldest niece now 16.
16!
i remember her birthday,
me crying so hard,
afraid as they cut her out of sister-in-law's belly,
they let me see her first to calm me down,
but it didn't.

03.28.05
(written 03.30.05--12:47 a.m.)

seven people scheduled to look at room for rent,
i mean, large room for rent as i've written in craig's list,
and i ask my roommate how many he thinks will show,
he says three and i say five,
two don't show, one reschedules,
so it's four.

03.29.05
(written 03.30.05--12:54 a.m.)

i checked my bank balance to see if i still had $81.39
and saw it was now $51.39,
and realized $30 check to therapist had cleared
and thought again whether i should order food,
as pay day is nine days away.
ordered baked ziti, garlic bread (light on oil, light on garlic),
an two-liter bottle of diet pepsi. $11.13, plus a $2 tip.
$38.26 left, eight days to go.

03.30.05
(written 04.01.05--12:48 a.m.)

i haven't masturbated in awhile
my regular phone sex partner has been ill,
maybe,
who knows in the internet world,
she may be anything,
but i like to masturbate best when i'm having phone sex,
i mean i like it more when a real girl is there,
but right now i'm waiting for my phone friend to maybe get better,
maybe.


03.31.05
(written 04.01.05--1:31 a.m.)

four more craig's listers looked at the apartment tonight
and one's a possibility.
it's hard narrowing these people down to the one,
when the information is scarce.
i eliminated one woman tonight because she didn't ask any questions,
another because she had a 9 p.m. appointment, called at 9:23 to say she was running late,
asked if she could come tonight in a half hour,
and showed up in 52 minutes,
calling me from my building's lobby unsure which way to go,
although i had given her specific instructions earlier in the night.
there was the guy with the triangular-shaped head who sounded like a cartoon character,
the one with a skin condition who worried about the dust.
my roommate hears tomorrow if his job interview panned out,
and he doesn't have to move.